May 25, 2006

The Men of 'Lost'

Why I Could Never Marry Jack:

Jack: I'm going to the store.

Me: Are you? I think I'll come too.

Jack: No you won't! You're staying here Bethany, and that's final.

Me: Jack, I'm coming.

Jack: (handing me a gun) Fine. But you walk behind me and watch your step.

Why I Could Never Marry Sayid:

Me: I think Margaret's mad at me, but she won't say why.

Sayid: (getting out his torturer's kit) Invite her over, she won't stay quiet for long.

Why I Could Never Marry Hurley:

Me: I'm hungry.

Hurley: (Pulling a Hershey bar from the stash he's hidden in the bathroom closet): Me too.

(This is not a fat joke. This is a food joke.)

Why I Could Never Marry Sawyer:

Sawyer: Hey Fatty, what's up?

Me: Quit calling me Fatty.

Sawyer: Ok, Chubs, what do you want to do today?

Me: Can you please just call me by my name Sawyer?

Sawyer: Ok Blubber, want to go to a movie?

Me: (sighing). My name is Bethany. Where'd you hide the Advil this time?

Sawyer: (yelling) For Pete's sake Fatzilla, now you want some of my secret stash? Here..take it! Take it all!

Why I Couldn't Marry Desmond:

Me: I love you, Des.

Des: I know you do, but I need to sail around the world before I can let you love me.

Plus I'd be all...grow your hair out Des. Now cut it off. Hmmm. Why don't you grow it back out again? Ok, now cut it off.

Why I Could Never Marry Charlie:

Me: Let's go see Lord of the Rings

Charlie: No, those hobbits creep me out.

Why I Could Never Marry Jin:

Because Sun would knock me over the head and bury me in her garden.

Why I Could Never Marry Locke:

Me: Why are you vacuuming again? (Sidebar: Like I would ever ask my husband that.)

Locke: Because the house wants me to.

Me: What?

Locke: You have to have faith, Bethany. If you don't have faith in the house. The house wants me to vacuum it and if you can't accept that than you don't have faith.

Me: Ok, I'll be in the tub.

Locke: Wait! My whole pathetic life has been a lie! Now I can never vacuum again! Not only that, I am going to lock the vacuum away from you too so that you may never vacuum either! Vacuuming is a huge lie, a trick!

Me: Settle down, Locke. I'll just call the cleaning lady to vacuum.

And finally, Why I Could Never Marry Michael:

Me to Michael, who is coming in late: Were you at the bar again?

Michael: I had to! He's my son!

Me: We don't have a son. Wait..were you...smoking?

Michael: I had to! He's my son!

Me: Ok, let's just forget it..wait..why is the car all smashed up?

Michael: I had to! He's my son!

Me: Is that lipstick on your collar?

Michael: I had to! He's my son!

Me: Michael, get on this boat, steer to 325 degrees on the compass, and don't ever bring your lying, cheating self back here again.

Edited to add:

I don't know how I forgot Eko. This is for Moxie:

Why I Could Never Marry Eko:

Me: So, the kids are in bed.

Eko: Let sleeping kids lie.

Me: Uh, yeah. So, um..I'm going to bed.

Eko: Tired wives make bad dinners.

Me: What?

Eko: Nothing.

Me: (sultry) Well, I thought maybe you'd like to join me?

Eko: The joining of a woman and a man is like building a church.

Me: What are you talking about? And what is up with you and that stick? What are you carving in it?

Eko: TLC's summer lineup.

and thank you to hilarious Steven for this contribution:

Why I Could Never Marry Henry Gale:

Me: Well...I'm going to go run some errands.

Henry: Hm.

Me: What?

Henry: Oh nothing.

You: No, tell me.

Henry: I just think its interesting that you'd go now, when I could redecorate the house and turn your office into a golf practice room while you're away. If i were that sort of person.

You: What?

Henry: What?

You: Are you going to do that?

Henry: What? I don't know what you're talking about.

You: Maybe you should run the errands.

Henry: Ok. I'll be home late. Don't wait up. Can i have your keys?


Blogger Gary Freedman said...

I survived the crash of Oceanic Flight 815 in the South Pacific. Can you get us some help? We're desperate!

May 25, 2006 1:37 PM  
Anonymous Mrs Figby said...

LOL! Totally brilliant.

May 25, 2006 4:19 PM  
Blogger Moxie said...

I take it that you couldn't find any reason not to marry Eko. I can't either.

It's funny that the language thing was no barrier to marrying Jin. Or maybe you've been working on your Korean on the sly.

May 25, 2006 6:41 PM  
Anonymous steven said...

HA! i love Lost, and this was brilliant! the Locke one was my favorite...although the Michael one had me laughing pretty hard, too!
what about henry gale?

you: well...i'm going to go run some errands.
Henry: hm.
you: what?
Henry: oh nothing.
you: no tell me.
Henry: i just think its interesting that you'd go now, when i could redecorate the house and turn your office into a golf practice room while you're away.
if i were that sort of person.
you: what?
Henry: what?
you: are you going to do that?
Henry: what? i don't know what you're talking about.
you: maybe you should run the errands.
Henry: ok. i'll be home late. don't wait up. can i have your keys?

May 25, 2006 6:54 PM  
Blogger Her Grace said...

Eko! How on Earth could I forget Eko? I'll have to think on that one. And Jin? There are (occasional) moments when I already feel I'm not speaking what my husband's talking, so what's a little Korean?? :)

Steven. Thank you for cracking me up, and for doing a perfect impression of Henry Gale as my husband. He's officially creepy ambiguity for me..and NO golf practice rooms either!

May 25, 2006 7:07 PM  
Blogger Moxie said...

I think the problem with being married to Eko would be his vow of celibacy as a Catholic priest. But other than that it would be being constantly mesmerized by his hotness.

May 25, 2006 7:48 PM  
Blogger Margaret said...

OK. I don't watch Lost, but I'm offended that you would consider talking about a fake fight with me to an apparent torturer.

Stick with M. If someday I actually am mad at you and you don't know why I know that M won't pull out torture devices.

I can sleep at night now...

May 25, 2006 9:32 PM  
Blogger Her Grace said...

Don't worry Margaret, he may be a torturer, but you'd enjoy looking at him while he does it.

May 25, 2006 9:38 PM  
Blogger wixlet said...

i think i already married desmond. we've got the "grow it out! cut it off! grow it out!" thing down pretty well. but fortunately for me, NC is something of a homebody and doesn't know how to sail. whew.

May 25, 2006 9:52 PM  
Anonymous Sue said...

Hee hee - love it! Thanks for the laugh, I needed it today!

May 25, 2006 10:38 PM  
Anonymous jen said...

Oh god, I laughed so hard I think I peed a little.

I'd almost take on Sun for Jin. That man is HOTT.

May 25, 2006 11:01 PM  
Blogger booberrypancake said...

the other night, i accidentally muttered "yummy" during a particularly delicious sayid scene. my husband was only marginally amused.

so the torturer thing? not a biggie. and it would probably help me get a better interest rate on home and car loans, anyway.

May 26, 2006 9:30 AM  
Blogger Margaret said...

OK, I looked up a picture of the guy who plays Sayid. I'm no longer offended. And apparently he was born in London -- if those eyes come in a package with an English accent then feel free, Sayid.

May 26, 2006 5:08 PM  
Blogger Lisa C. said...

Oh, man, this is so funny! Bethany, yours were great, but I think Steven took the cake with his Henry one!

May 27, 2006 4:46 PM  
Blogger California Dreamin' Mama said...

Oh yes! A Lost friend!! Oh my gosh! This is absolutely hilarious!. I found your blog through Margaret. I am so glad that I did. Everything you wrote it sooooo true!. I don't know though what I am going to do without Lost this summer.

Can you imagine having Jack as a husband though, really? The scary thing is..I have a couple of friends that are married to a few Jacks. They like to tell them what to do all the time. I say "No deal" to that one! :)


May 28, 2006 10:13 PM  

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