Dreams

I have this recurring dream. Most of my recurring dreams are kind of fun: secret rooms in houses, flying effortlessly or being able to breathe underwater. But this one is disturbing; I dream about fishtanks. Not your lovely, well tended, brightly colored, salt water versions, but fish tanks that I was responsible for and forgot about, for years. I'll find them (last night it was in the "fort" I used to have at my childhood home) and realize that I was supposed to be taking care of them all along. Inside, the fish have all grown into these huge, grotesque, misshapen creatures, usually silently accusing me with their beady fish eyes. Freaky. And if anyone can tell me what it means, I'd love to know. This is one area of my psyche I'd like to clean up.

In any case, last night I dreamt about doors -- mainly about people trying to come through them. First was a mountain retreat M and I were at with the kids. Men in blue and red suits came to "fix some things" in the middle of the night. I told them no, and one looked at me and said, "We're coming in anyway, so there's no point in trying to stop us." I let them in, and they did indeed to appear to be fixing things, but every now and then I'd catch a malevolent glance between two of them and try to put another door between us and them. It went on all night. Every dream had me trying to close the door on someone who was trying to come through it. They were always strangers, and I was always unsure of their purpose or intent.

I've managed to stay pretty calm for the three months between election days. The committee working on the election has done an astounding amount of work, and there's been a virtual outpouring of support. This means so much to our struggling community. It's so important to the patrons who depend on and use the services every day. To our family, it's personal. I'm not a person who needs to be in control, but I am a person who needs to know what's going on. I need to have a road map of what the future may look like. Right now, a part of our future lies in the hands of the voting community, and that is becoming increasingly hard for me to take. They won't decide how we handle their decision, those choices are up to us and are dependent on a lot of things. But their decision will impact our life in a major way. I find myself panicking a little this weekend. I'm very good at burying things, but every now and then it rises and flutters in my chest.

The voters are at the door. I'm struggling to see their purpose and intent. So many feel the same way we do and come to support the system. Others come wielding their vote like a weapon, seeking to punish. Some are silent, not willing to give away where they stand. Regardless, the door will open to them on Tuesday and we will finally get an answer.

Knock wood.